Post by BomberJake on Jul 18, 2006 15:08:30 GMT -5
[ BomberJake | "Rainbow sandals? What is he, gay?" ]
Still in the Jake household, BomberJake is on his couch, watching Shanes promo--Shane is currently on HIS couch and starting up his home theatre.
[ BomberJake | "Two remotes? Why not have one universal remote like me?! Oh, look, he's watching his damn baseball…" ]
Jake leans back in his couch, unimpressed by Shane Ralstons promo. Charlie walks in the room and stands behind the couch, but Jake doesn't notice him.
[ BomberJake | "He's getting an interview! Oh, big man! Big man!" ]
Charlie doesn't say anything as BomberJake provides his own commentary throughout the promo.
[ BomberJake | "Haha! Shane's an old geezer with a twisted knee and he can't wrestle as good as he used to! He's his own worst enemy!" ]
Charlie rolls his eyes as BomberJake fast forwards through bits of the promo. Shane goes on and on with his egotistic rant without backing anything up. At this time, Jake still hasn't noticed that Charlie is right behind him--Jake just keeps watching the promo.
[ BomberJake | "Well, what do we have here? Shane Ralston with this long time gal pal of his, receiving some pity sex. I've had enough of this…" ]
BomberJake stands up from the couch and shuts off his TV--as he turns around, he gets startled by Charlie and trips backwards over his coffee table. Immediately, Jake shoots up to his feet as if he meant to do that.
[ BomberJake | "Charlie! You, um… interrupted my, um… falling over tables time!" ]
[ Charlie | "Uh, sorry, but, um… your toilet won't flush and--" ]
[ BomberJake | "There's no time for that! I gotta send a message to Shane Ralston--he spent more time talking about baseball than wrestling, so I'm gonna bring up a different sport too!" ]
[ Charlie | "But how will we send a message?" ]
[ BomberJake | "…" ]
Jake runs out of the room and returns with a telegraph--Jake starts clicking morse code, as if anyone would receive the signal.
[ BomberJake | "Dot dot dash dot dash dash dash dash!" ]
[ Charlie | "Jake, no one's gonna--" ]
[ BomberJake | "I'm getting a message! 'Don't mess with morse code'--damnit!" ]
BomberJake chucks the telegraph across the room and it smashes to bits when it hits the wall.
[ Charlie | "Don't you have to clean that up?" ]
[ BomberJake | "Nah, someone else will get it." ]
All of a sudden, BomberJake snaps his fingers.
[ BomberJake | "I got it!" ]
Once again, Jake grabs Charlie by the collar and drags him away. The scene fades to black, but opens again to what appears to be a familiar set. A cardboard TV, some chairs, leftover silly string--this is the set for 'The Word Of Jake'! But Jake's not in his interviewing seat this week!
[ Charlie | "Good evening. I'm Lord Charles Hayes, filling in for BJ Styles. My guest this week is the HWF World Heavyweight Champion. Please give a warm welcome to BomberJake!" ]
Of course, there is no studio audience, but the sound guy included the sound of applause anyways. BomberJake is sitting in the cardboard TV, ready for the interview.
[ BomberJake | "Thanks for having me, Charlie. Er… Lord Charles Hayes." ]
The imaginary audience looks on, befuddled.
[ BomberJake | "Gimme a break, it's live TV!" ]
[ Charlie | "BomberJake, you are from Canada, is that correct?" ]
[ BomberJake | "Yes, sir! Vancouver, British Columbia!" ]
[ Charlie | "And this week on HWF Lockdown, you are facing North Carolinas own Shane Ralston." ]
[ BomberJake | "Right again." ]
[ Charlie | "And you'll be facing off at the University of Kentucky." ]
[ BomberJake | "Yup! And get a load of this--Shane Ralston is SOOOO stupid, when I said we'd be wrestling in KY, he thought the ring would be covered in pube lube!" ]
Lord Charles Hayes raises an eyebrow at that statement.
[ Charlie | "Did he really think that?" ]
[ BomberJake | "No, but it makes for a good joke." ]
BomberJake grins and Charlie continues with the questioning.
[ Charlie | "Now, as we said earlier, you are Canadian--you were, in fact, the last ever Canadian Champion of the World Wrestling Alliance." ]
[ BomberJake | "Damn straight! I brought the title with me today!" ]
BomberJake holds up the WWA Canadian Title to the camera before putting it over his shoulder.
[ Charlie | "And Shane Ralston is an American--how do you feel about that?" ]
[ BomberJake | "Well, Lord Hayes. As you know, Shane can't take his mind off of baseball, Americas pastime. I was never on a little league team or on any sports activity for that matter, but I'm so very proud of Canada for the greatest sport in the world: hockey!
The Stanley Cup was Made In Canada, just like me! And no AMERICAN team has come close to holding it as many times as a single Canadian team has! The US has two-dozen teams in the NHL. Canada has six, one of which that hasn't won the Stanley Cup." ]
Jake looks around the room with shifty eyes.
[ BomberJake | "C'mon, Vancouver… but in the seventy-nine years that the Stanley Cup has been competed for in the National Hockey League, even with one Canadian team not having won it yet, Canada has won it FORTY-ONE TIMES, three more than the US with a lousy thirty-eight!" ]
[ Charlie | "That's rather impressive!" ]
[ BomberJake | "Indeed! Now, I don't have much love for the east coast. Any part of the east coast for that matter--Florida with their damn oranges and old people, New York with it's pushy city slickers, Toronto with its fur coats--but I am proud of the Frenchies in Montréal for one reason and one reason only: for winning the Stanley Cup an astonishing TWENTY-TWO TIMES! And in its neighbouring province of Ontario, the Toronto Maple Leafs have won it eleven times!" ]
[ Charlie | "Hockey truly is Canadas sport." ]
[ BomberJake | "You bet your ass it is! So which of Americas teams can compare to that? The Bruins? Nope. The Devils? No, sir. The Red Wings? They ALMOST tie Toronto, but nope. The New York Rangers and the New York Islanders COMBINED don't reach the Canadiens! And SURELY not the Chicago BLOWHAWKS!" ]
Both Charlie and Jake laugh at the altered team name.
[ BomberJake | "But in recent years, who's been the runner up? Canada. The Calgary Flames fell short against some damn Floridans and the Oilers lost to Shane Ralstons hometown team, the Carolina Hurricanes. Do you have any idea how many CANADIANS are on that team? One from Saskatchewan, three from Alberta, five from Ontario, and one from my home province, British Columbia--the rest are from Czechoslovakia and Sweden and the USSR. There's barely an ounce of American pride in that motley crew…" ]
Jake doesn't look so relaxed now with his rant, but Charlie doesn't say anything as not to agitate him.
[ BomberJake | "It's been some thirteen odd years since Canada last held that kind of a victory, but the same can't be said about me! I've been winning match after match after match, and I ain't takin' a break for NOBODY! Shane Ralston's been told to take it easy, but don't expect any of that from me--I'll be targeting that right knee 'til it gives in all directions! And just like the Vancouver Canucks this year, no sissy team from the 'NASCAR' division--" ]
[ Charlie | * cough * "Redneck division!" * cough * ]
[ BomberJake | "--is gonna take Canada down! Hell, it doesn't even snow that close to the equator! You don't know hockey unless you've played it at minus ten degrees centigrade in the Great White North!" ]
Jake jumps up, with the WWA Canadian Title, but seeing as the cardboard box isn't very tall, Jake puts a hole through the top of it.
[ Charlie | "Uh… set design will take care of that later. Please, sit down and continue." ]
[ BomberJake | "I don't pay attention to many sports, perhaps because I don't consider driving in circles to be a sport, but I stand by my team! Regardless of how bad they're doing or how awful they're playin', they're my home team and I gotta show some support! Same goes for the Omega Trials--we're keepin' Team BomberJake up by showin' support all-around!" ]
[ Charlie | "You still have the lead, but Sean Rage hasn't shown up yet." ]
[ BomberJake | "Yeah, it's a bummer, but at least LJ has a chance to gain some gold! If he wins, that means Team Jake will have two of the three titles in the HWF! Summer McCoy's one tough cookie, but I know she has nothin' but love for me!" * wink * "And my boy, LJ Andrews, can beat her on any given day." ]
[ Charlie | "Now, you're not like most Canadians, Jake--you're from the west coast. Looking at mainstream wrestling, a lot of the Canadian wrestlers come out of Ontario, like Edge and Christian. Then there's Chris Jericho from Manitoba and… well, the closest ones to BC are the Albertans like Chris Benoit and the Hart family." ]
[ BomberJake | "Y'know, Vancouver's gotten a bad rep ever since the Steve Moore Incident. That Goddamn headhunter took out our team captain for three games with what was clearly an illegal check. Marc Crawford said it was illegal, Brian Burke said it was illegal, and every Vancouverite knows it was illegal. It wasn't wise to put Steve Moore on the ice with some bloodthirsty Canucks, and he paid dearly for it. Every Vancouver team member was lookin' to pick a fight with Moore, but Moore was a pussy, so Todd Bertuzzi took matters into his own hands--THAT'S the kind of team player I like! A guy that will do what it takes to get back at a bad apple!" ]
[ Charlie | "Remember, kids, team captains want a guy that'll take matters into his own hands! Not a headhuntin' pussy!" ]
[ BomberJake | "Hehe, 'head'huntin' pussy… I swear, if I got a concussion like that and was put out of the Omega Trials, I'd expect my teammates to get some payback! And like a good teammate, Todd Bertuzzi got some sweet revenge. But before you shut off your TV sets or throw popcorn at them, I'll admit that the broken neck was too much. Steve Moore should've known not to mess with a team captain and then run away when Bert wanted a fight--that lead to some harsh consequences with that sucker punch, but I GUARANTEE YOU that Todd Bertuzzi is NOT responsible for the broken neck! Did you see how many Colorado players piled on them after the punch? It was ridiculous! THAT'S what broke Steve Moores neck!" ]
[ Charlie | "Watch the footage, kids. Jake's right about this one." ]
[ BomberJake | "I hope Todd Bertuzzis shot on Steve Moore sends a message to each and every beast from the east that wants a shot at me. These damn easterners don't know what they're getting into 'til they have a rodeo with the best of the west! But it'll be more than a rodeo this Thursday--when we lock up at Lockdown, it'll be a Canadian raid!" ]
[ Charlie | "I'm lookin' forward to that! Jake, I'm sure you've seen Shane Ralstons newest promo. What are your thoughts on that?" ]
[ BomberJake | "My thoughts? I'll give you my thoughts! Shane talks about being around for the industry he fell in love with, but what about all that baseball chitchat he was talkin' earlier? He wants to take the HWF by storm, but seeing as how slow he was last week in the ring, that won't happen just yet. Returning to the active roster with an injury is not a great idea, Shane, but I know that's what you really want to do. All I gotta say about that is don't go cryin' to your mama when I take out your knee and win the match!
You will never find anyone as diverse as me! I'm not a dime a dozen--I'm one in a million! Shane, if you have to die trying, well… what good is that gonna do if you want to break my winning streak? If you die in the ring, you lose!" ]
BomberJake takes several deep breaths in the heat of the moment.
[ BomberJake | "You know DAMN WELL I'm the best in the business--you call yourself the head honcho, but where's YOUR evidence, Shane? Surely not on an eighth grade report card! I've proven time and time again that I am only the best, and I already know it means nothing to you, Ralston! I got the memo the first time! But you asked for evidence and I delivered, just like I'm gonna deliver this Thursday! Shane, if you're the measuring stick, I'm gonna break you in half 'cause I'm the MOTHA EFFIN' MEASURIN' TREE! You'll try to chop me down, but you can't, 'cause I got a huge ROOT!" ]
Again, both Charlie and Jake laugh and give each other high fives.
[ BomberJake | "I'm at the top 'cause I earnt it! You can't shake me down and you can't break my streak! Not today, not tomorrow, not Thursday, not YOU!" ]
Still in the Jake household, BomberJake is on his couch, watching Shanes promo--Shane is currently on HIS couch and starting up his home theatre.
[ BomberJake | "Two remotes? Why not have one universal remote like me?! Oh, look, he's watching his damn baseball…" ]
Jake leans back in his couch, unimpressed by Shane Ralstons promo. Charlie walks in the room and stands behind the couch, but Jake doesn't notice him.
[ BomberJake | "He's getting an interview! Oh, big man! Big man!" ]
Charlie doesn't say anything as BomberJake provides his own commentary throughout the promo.
[ BomberJake | "Haha! Shane's an old geezer with a twisted knee and he can't wrestle as good as he used to! He's his own worst enemy!" ]
Charlie rolls his eyes as BomberJake fast forwards through bits of the promo. Shane goes on and on with his egotistic rant without backing anything up. At this time, Jake still hasn't noticed that Charlie is right behind him--Jake just keeps watching the promo.
[ BomberJake | "Well, what do we have here? Shane Ralston with this long time gal pal of his, receiving some pity sex. I've had enough of this…" ]
BomberJake stands up from the couch and shuts off his TV--as he turns around, he gets startled by Charlie and trips backwards over his coffee table. Immediately, Jake shoots up to his feet as if he meant to do that.
[ BomberJake | "Charlie! You, um… interrupted my, um… falling over tables time!" ]
[ Charlie | "Uh, sorry, but, um… your toilet won't flush and--" ]
[ BomberJake | "There's no time for that! I gotta send a message to Shane Ralston--he spent more time talking about baseball than wrestling, so I'm gonna bring up a different sport too!" ]
[ Charlie | "But how will we send a message?" ]
[ BomberJake | "…" ]
Jake runs out of the room and returns with a telegraph--Jake starts clicking morse code, as if anyone would receive the signal.
[ BomberJake | "Dot dot dash dot dash dash dash dash!" ]
[ Charlie | "Jake, no one's gonna--" ]
[ BomberJake | "I'm getting a message! 'Don't mess with morse code'--damnit!" ]
BomberJake chucks the telegraph across the room and it smashes to bits when it hits the wall.
[ Charlie | "Don't you have to clean that up?" ]
[ BomberJake | "Nah, someone else will get it." ]
All of a sudden, BomberJake snaps his fingers.
[ BomberJake | "I got it!" ]
Once again, Jake grabs Charlie by the collar and drags him away. The scene fades to black, but opens again to what appears to be a familiar set. A cardboard TV, some chairs, leftover silly string--this is the set for 'The Word Of Jake'! But Jake's not in his interviewing seat this week!
[ Charlie | "Good evening. I'm Lord Charles Hayes, filling in for BJ Styles. My guest this week is the HWF World Heavyweight Champion. Please give a warm welcome to BomberJake!" ]
Of course, there is no studio audience, but the sound guy included the sound of applause anyways. BomberJake is sitting in the cardboard TV, ready for the interview.
[ BomberJake | "Thanks for having me, Charlie. Er… Lord Charles Hayes." ]
The imaginary audience looks on, befuddled.
[ BomberJake | "Gimme a break, it's live TV!" ]
[ Charlie | "BomberJake, you are from Canada, is that correct?" ]
[ BomberJake | "Yes, sir! Vancouver, British Columbia!" ]
[ Charlie | "And this week on HWF Lockdown, you are facing North Carolinas own Shane Ralston." ]
[ BomberJake | "Right again." ]
[ Charlie | "And you'll be facing off at the University of Kentucky." ]
[ BomberJake | "Yup! And get a load of this--Shane Ralston is SOOOO stupid, when I said we'd be wrestling in KY, he thought the ring would be covered in pube lube!" ]
Lord Charles Hayes raises an eyebrow at that statement.
[ Charlie | "Did he really think that?" ]
[ BomberJake | "No, but it makes for a good joke." ]
BomberJake grins and Charlie continues with the questioning.
[ Charlie | "Now, as we said earlier, you are Canadian--you were, in fact, the last ever Canadian Champion of the World Wrestling Alliance." ]
[ BomberJake | "Damn straight! I brought the title with me today!" ]
BomberJake holds up the WWA Canadian Title to the camera before putting it over his shoulder.
[ Charlie | "And Shane Ralston is an American--how do you feel about that?" ]
[ BomberJake | "Well, Lord Hayes. As you know, Shane can't take his mind off of baseball, Americas pastime. I was never on a little league team or on any sports activity for that matter, but I'm so very proud of Canada for the greatest sport in the world: hockey!
The Stanley Cup was Made In Canada, just like me! And no AMERICAN team has come close to holding it as many times as a single Canadian team has! The US has two-dozen teams in the NHL. Canada has six, one of which that hasn't won the Stanley Cup." ]
Jake looks around the room with shifty eyes.
[ BomberJake | "C'mon, Vancouver… but in the seventy-nine years that the Stanley Cup has been competed for in the National Hockey League, even with one Canadian team not having won it yet, Canada has won it FORTY-ONE TIMES, three more than the US with a lousy thirty-eight!" ]
[ Charlie | "That's rather impressive!" ]
[ BomberJake | "Indeed! Now, I don't have much love for the east coast. Any part of the east coast for that matter--Florida with their damn oranges and old people, New York with it's pushy city slickers, Toronto with its fur coats--but I am proud of the Frenchies in Montréal for one reason and one reason only: for winning the Stanley Cup an astonishing TWENTY-TWO TIMES! And in its neighbouring province of Ontario, the Toronto Maple Leafs have won it eleven times!" ]
[ Charlie | "Hockey truly is Canadas sport." ]
[ BomberJake | "You bet your ass it is! So which of Americas teams can compare to that? The Bruins? Nope. The Devils? No, sir. The Red Wings? They ALMOST tie Toronto, but nope. The New York Rangers and the New York Islanders COMBINED don't reach the Canadiens! And SURELY not the Chicago BLOWHAWKS!" ]
Both Charlie and Jake laugh at the altered team name.
[ BomberJake | "But in recent years, who's been the runner up? Canada. The Calgary Flames fell short against some damn Floridans and the Oilers lost to Shane Ralstons hometown team, the Carolina Hurricanes. Do you have any idea how many CANADIANS are on that team? One from Saskatchewan, three from Alberta, five from Ontario, and one from my home province, British Columbia--the rest are from Czechoslovakia and Sweden and the USSR. There's barely an ounce of American pride in that motley crew…" ]
Jake doesn't look so relaxed now with his rant, but Charlie doesn't say anything as not to agitate him.
[ BomberJake | "It's been some thirteen odd years since Canada last held that kind of a victory, but the same can't be said about me! I've been winning match after match after match, and I ain't takin' a break for NOBODY! Shane Ralston's been told to take it easy, but don't expect any of that from me--I'll be targeting that right knee 'til it gives in all directions! And just like the Vancouver Canucks this year, no sissy team from the 'NASCAR' division--" ]
[ Charlie | * cough * "Redneck division!" * cough * ]
[ BomberJake | "--is gonna take Canada down! Hell, it doesn't even snow that close to the equator! You don't know hockey unless you've played it at minus ten degrees centigrade in the Great White North!" ]
Jake jumps up, with the WWA Canadian Title, but seeing as the cardboard box isn't very tall, Jake puts a hole through the top of it.
[ Charlie | "Uh… set design will take care of that later. Please, sit down and continue." ]
[ BomberJake | "I don't pay attention to many sports, perhaps because I don't consider driving in circles to be a sport, but I stand by my team! Regardless of how bad they're doing or how awful they're playin', they're my home team and I gotta show some support! Same goes for the Omega Trials--we're keepin' Team BomberJake up by showin' support all-around!" ]
[ Charlie | "You still have the lead, but Sean Rage hasn't shown up yet." ]
[ BomberJake | "Yeah, it's a bummer, but at least LJ has a chance to gain some gold! If he wins, that means Team Jake will have two of the three titles in the HWF! Summer McCoy's one tough cookie, but I know she has nothin' but love for me!" * wink * "And my boy, LJ Andrews, can beat her on any given day." ]
[ Charlie | "Now, you're not like most Canadians, Jake--you're from the west coast. Looking at mainstream wrestling, a lot of the Canadian wrestlers come out of Ontario, like Edge and Christian. Then there's Chris Jericho from Manitoba and… well, the closest ones to BC are the Albertans like Chris Benoit and the Hart family." ]
[ BomberJake | "Y'know, Vancouver's gotten a bad rep ever since the Steve Moore Incident. That Goddamn headhunter took out our team captain for three games with what was clearly an illegal check. Marc Crawford said it was illegal, Brian Burke said it was illegal, and every Vancouverite knows it was illegal. It wasn't wise to put Steve Moore on the ice with some bloodthirsty Canucks, and he paid dearly for it. Every Vancouver team member was lookin' to pick a fight with Moore, but Moore was a pussy, so Todd Bertuzzi took matters into his own hands--THAT'S the kind of team player I like! A guy that will do what it takes to get back at a bad apple!" ]
[ Charlie | "Remember, kids, team captains want a guy that'll take matters into his own hands! Not a headhuntin' pussy!" ]
[ BomberJake | "Hehe, 'head'huntin' pussy… I swear, if I got a concussion like that and was put out of the Omega Trials, I'd expect my teammates to get some payback! And like a good teammate, Todd Bertuzzi got some sweet revenge. But before you shut off your TV sets or throw popcorn at them, I'll admit that the broken neck was too much. Steve Moore should've known not to mess with a team captain and then run away when Bert wanted a fight--that lead to some harsh consequences with that sucker punch, but I GUARANTEE YOU that Todd Bertuzzi is NOT responsible for the broken neck! Did you see how many Colorado players piled on them after the punch? It was ridiculous! THAT'S what broke Steve Moores neck!" ]
[ Charlie | "Watch the footage, kids. Jake's right about this one." ]
[ BomberJake | "I hope Todd Bertuzzis shot on Steve Moore sends a message to each and every beast from the east that wants a shot at me. These damn easterners don't know what they're getting into 'til they have a rodeo with the best of the west! But it'll be more than a rodeo this Thursday--when we lock up at Lockdown, it'll be a Canadian raid!" ]
[ Charlie | "I'm lookin' forward to that! Jake, I'm sure you've seen Shane Ralstons newest promo. What are your thoughts on that?" ]
[ BomberJake | "My thoughts? I'll give you my thoughts! Shane talks about being around for the industry he fell in love with, but what about all that baseball chitchat he was talkin' earlier? He wants to take the HWF by storm, but seeing as how slow he was last week in the ring, that won't happen just yet. Returning to the active roster with an injury is not a great idea, Shane, but I know that's what you really want to do. All I gotta say about that is don't go cryin' to your mama when I take out your knee and win the match!
You will never find anyone as diverse as me! I'm not a dime a dozen--I'm one in a million! Shane, if you have to die trying, well… what good is that gonna do if you want to break my winning streak? If you die in the ring, you lose!" ]
BomberJake takes several deep breaths in the heat of the moment.
[ BomberJake | "You know DAMN WELL I'm the best in the business--you call yourself the head honcho, but where's YOUR evidence, Shane? Surely not on an eighth grade report card! I've proven time and time again that I am only the best, and I already know it means nothing to you, Ralston! I got the memo the first time! But you asked for evidence and I delivered, just like I'm gonna deliver this Thursday! Shane, if you're the measuring stick, I'm gonna break you in half 'cause I'm the MOTHA EFFIN' MEASURIN' TREE! You'll try to chop me down, but you can't, 'cause I got a huge ROOT!" ]
Again, both Charlie and Jake laugh and give each other high fives.
[ BomberJake | "I'm at the top 'cause I earnt it! You can't shake me down and you can't break my streak! Not today, not tomorrow, not Thursday, not YOU!" ]
